the big whimper

Today was going to be a big day. By this time of night, things were going to be a bit more settled and resolved (or at least moving in that direction). . .

I was going to talk to He Who Shall Not Be Named this morning and get coffee W this evening. Facing both of my unresolved boy issues in a 10 hour span. Amazing. Brilliant. I was going to figure out where I am emotionally and begin the week more in control.

. . . but that didn't happen.

I did see He Who Shall Not Be Named this morning - he would have been hard to miss, up in front of the church in the choir. During the coffee hour between services, I figured we would talk. As I rode the bus downtown, mentally reheasing the conversation we would have, I realized that I couldn't initiate it. It's bad form to walk up to someone and say, "I am too angry with you for you to be in my life right now." The object of my anger has to initiate the conversation, so I know that he actually wants to be in my life. Anything else is presumptious & involves seeking someone out just to insult them. I don't want to be that woman. So, needless to say, he never spoke to me. I didn't even see him milling about drinking coffee, not that I was spending a large amount of time looking for him.

I called W yesterday to set up coffee. I need to figure out if it is worth attempting the friendship thing - I want him to be a decent friend because I'll need some with E moving away, to prove my initial judgements correct, & because it seems like a waste to throw away the time I spent learning about him & figuring him out. We talked while he was at a party & he complained of being sick. (That kid is great at not being present with the people in his company - it is a bit reassurring to realize that he is like that towards everyone.) Unsurprisingly, he is still sick today & was not up for coffee. I watched City of God - rent it, everyone - and put off the angst until our rescheduled coffee on Tuesday.

And to add a bit more (any?) excitement to the day, I scheduled in what some cultures would be considered a date for tomorrow. An unchaperoned woman drinking coffee in a public place with a man she is not related to. In Egypt, that would make me his fiance, if I remember correctly. In freedom-land, it's just coffee, albeit with a man I don't know too well & am intrigued by. I haven't held a just-him-and-me conversation with him for more than a few minutes. . . here's hoping it can be done & isn't too painful.