looking back

One of the six! essay topics on my BVS application is 'Describe your most challenging experience and how you coped with it.' Upon reading the question, the fall of 2000, my semester in Nicaragua immediately came to mind. Before I began writing, I opened up my journal from those months & began reading.

I had forgotten how miserable I was then. I am not one to only journal when I'm sad, so it's not as though I was only reading half of the story. I was so sad, so frustrated. I was tested & felt like I was coming up short. In restropect, I can say it was good for me, but I do not wish to relive it. I was out of my element in every way - there were no other people from west of the Rockies on my program, I was in a country where everyone spoke Spanish, where nearly everyone was poor. Nicaraguans suffering is so tied to the actions of my government. It hurt, making me feel tiny & powerless. And I was trying to teach my self to be independent and emotionally self-sustaining and to fall out of love with someone left behind. Hard lessons in any context. I was trying to figure out how to interact in an environment in which I was sexually harrassed by at least 75% of the men I interacted with. I was assaulted multiple times - hamdu-illah they retreated when I fought back. There was a long entry wondering if I could ever again interact normally with a man. There was a long entry wondering if I could be happy again.

After reading such things for two hours - about 2.5 months worth - my stomache ached. A tofutti cutie didn't cure it, unfortunately.