my sociopathic life

I think life would be easier if I was a sociopath. Not caring about others' emotions would make things simpler. Acting ethically is important to me & I put much effort into doing so. . . . and sometimes it backfires.

Case in point: last night. I have been fearing a call from N, the horrible date, especially now that I'm back in town & my "we can't do anything next weekend, I'll be visiting my grandma" excuse has expired. I don't want to have to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. It won't give me joy. I know I have to though, & have been mentally rehearsing my "I never want to see you again" speech.

Yesterday evening, E, J, & I were in the midst of a Freak & Geeks marathon. The phone rang; E picked it up. After the person asked for me, I asked her who it was, fearing it would be N. She asked. When she told me it was N, I told her to tell him that I am busy, not using the kindest phrasing. I was busy watching TV on DVD, after all, & not in the mood to talk to him. So she did. Apparently, the volume of our conversation was a bit too loud. E says that she thinks he heard the whole thing; his message to her revealed as much.

So my quest to be ethical about this whole thing blew up in my face.
At least I don't have to tell him straight out that I never want to see him again.
And I feel bad about it. . . maybe becoming a sociopath would absolve such guilt, would be a good life choice.