failure

I will not be a foreign service officer any time soon. I did not pass my oral assessment last Friday. I needed a 5.25 out of 7. I got 4.8. It is bizarre that an interview, a presentation, a group discussion, & a written memo can be distilled into numbers, but they can and mine weren't good enough.

I'm not one who fails often. I got good grades in school and recieve good performance reviews at work. I win at board games. A good friend recently called me one of the smartest people he knows. When I don't succeed at something, I can usually explain it: I didn't work very hard at it, I didn't want it too much, etc. etc. The only easy explanation for this is that I wasn't good enough.

And failure isn't as scary or as painful as I would have expected. I haven't cried - I got a bit misty of the streets of San Francisco, but it passed quickly. I've started telling people not to pack their bags to visit me in Botswana next year. Spreading the word about not being accepted was the piece that I was most worried about. So much of my self-identity is tied up with being good at things. I was worried that others would think less of me for not succeeding. So far, I am not embarrassed. I reached for something that was a bit beyond my grasp: 19,000 people took the written exam last year; 3,000 get orally assessed for, at most, 700 spots. It is one of the most competitive things I know of. It is hard to do and I am learning that there isn't much shame in reaching for something & coming up short.

"I'm working my way through the foreign service application process" has been my answer to the inevitable 'what are you going to be when you grow up?' queries for the past year. I need to come up with something new. . .

inshallah, I have an interview tomorrow.